Aftertaste

Godly player and human errors...

2008-08-11T21:39:00.008+05:30

Read this today.And I have to say this,I was shocked .Of all the games in the world Jesus chose cricket.But some thinking made the reasons clear.Cricket is a non-contact game.One can play it all day without touching any fellow player.This is why it has been a game of the elite,the gentry.Imagine playing football with your driver or your cook.There,almost unimaginable.Now rewind to your childhood days.Remember playing cricket with the kids of the domestic help?Yeah,when you used to hog all the batting.Point made.

Another quality of cricket is,it can be very lazy sport.Just watch any cricket footage from 80's backwards.Cricketers used to have a very "well-rounded" personality.Unless you are a fast bowler,you can be a very fat person and still play cricket.Ask Romesh Powar.

So which game does a person of elevated position,who doesn't like to rub against sweaty shoulders of lesser people and doesn't care much about running around all day,play? Obviously cricket.And what position is more elevated than that of His?Cricket is an obvious choice for Jesus.

The point that is made at the end of the article is even more startling.

He gives the following translation: "He (Jesus) would take the boys to the
seashore and, carrying the playing ball and the club, he would go over the waves
of the sea as though he was playing on a frozen surface, hitting the playing
ball.
"And watching him, the boys would scream and say: 'Watch the
child Jesus, what he does over the waves of the sea!' Many would gather there
and, watching him, would be amazed.''
Terian said that the story
echoes allusions to Jesus' walking on the Sea of Galilee, as told in the
gospels.
"But the apocryphal story shows that for a ball game even
Jesus would forget work and would go to have fun with the boys!'' he said. (ANI)

Apparently Jesus is also a show-off,impressing the commoners with his mighty
powers.And we all thought he believed in "The meek shall inherit the earth".Between Shri Krisna's ghagra chasing ways,Shankar's love for estascy-inducing herbs and Jesus being the show-off that he is,we need better Gods.

The point that Jesus is not averse to running away from work to play a ball-game will be interesting for one Anil Kumble."Hmm..this explains the creation of a monstrous concept like a review system"he will think.

The powers-that-be of cricket decided that there was too much human error involved in the current process of umpiring."Lets add some more"they thought."Let,if so demanded by either the captain of the fielding team or the batsman,the third umpire describe the replay of the decision to the on-field umpire."So a typical referral goes like

Billy Doctrove:What is it this time Benson?(in thick Caribbean accent)

Benson:This bugger Gambhir/Parthiv/Sourav thinks he is not lbw.Tell me what
happened.
Billy:Hmm...its not a no-ball..it pitched almost outside the leg-stump
line...that was a giant stride outside mind you...maybe a little high as
well.

Benson:Tell me is there no chance it would have hit the stumps?

Billy:I cant say that chum,they only show me the trajectory till the
impact.

Benson:Not enough evidence to change the decision then.These Indians think
they invented the game.

Billy:I will go back to my rum now.

Or like this on occasions.

Billy:Yes Benson.
Benson:Look at the replay..Mahela,good man,thinks
Gambhir/Parthiv/Sachin is lbw.To be honest I had my doubts as well

Billy:Hmm...its not a no-ball,almost outside leg,giant stride out,there were
two noises,may be some bat.

Benson:Do you think the ball would have hit the stumps?
Billy:Had there been no pad,bat,batsman it would have,certainly.

Benson:Hmm..alright then..I am not the ego...that is Kevin Pietersen...I
will let technology assist me.Here I go.

Billy:I will go back to my rum now.

Ayurvedic Dope

2008-08-07T13:42:00.004+05:30

A typical morning from my early childhood.

My Mom(with a spoon full of a greasy,black,smelly stuff):Here,have this

Me(my eyes wide with terror):No....please...I don't want to.

Mom:You don't have a choice.
Me:But...no...hmmphh...urghhh.....(the spoon is now shoved inside my mouth).

The greasy,black,smelly stuff was something called Dabur Chyawanprash.It was supposed to help kids stay healthy,top their class,score the winning goal on the playground and come grinning back to their homes with an assortment of trophies to proud parents as shown in the ads.Of course, nothing of the sort happened to me.All I got was a bitter taste in my mouth.

My own experiences with the Chyawanprash ended when I grew too tall for my mom to shove the spoon inside my mouth,something that she attributes to the Chaywanprash itself.But I retained an intense hatred for it in the deepest corner of my heart.I had always thought that being an Ayurvedic product it wouldn't be able to stand up to modern diet supplements and future children wouldnt go through what I did .But I was wrong.Instead the Chyawanprash went from strength to strength.From Amitabh to SRK to Sunny Deol,everyone endorsed it.Even Souarav Ganguly attributed his tandarust tan(fit body) and tej dimaag(quick body) to it,when actually what he needs is a quick body and a fit mind.Hope of seeing the chyawanprash disappear from the markets had left me lately.

Therefore it was with great pleasure that I read this .The IOC has forbidden Indian athletes from taking Chawanprash as they contain heavy metals which lead to the production of banned anabolic salts in the body leading to failed dope tests.So there,its not only sona-chandi that Chawanprash contains,there are heavier metals in there.I felt vindicated.And then it hit me.After years of being forcefully fed Chawanprash,my body must be full of banned anabolic salts.I am certain to fail any dope test.My dream of representing the country in the Olympics lies shattered.

Mithun to the rescue...

2008-07-25T13:48:00.005+05:30

"Mera naam hai Shankar,Jurm se nafrat karnewaala,garibon k liye jyoti,gundon k
liye jwala"

[Gunda,1998]

Unforgettable lines from an immortal movie.As I read the news of Mithun's ICL team Royal Bengal Tigers signing an MoU with the Kolkatta football club Howrah Union,the scene from Gunda swam before my eyes.For Mithun non-believers,his sport enterprises maybe as c-grade as his cinema.What is ICL,if not an outcast league,shunned by the public and the powers alike?And Howrah Union?Indian Football is the least popular brand of football in India,but Mohan Bagan,East Bengal,Mohammedan Sporting are at least known names.Whoever has heard of Howrah Union?
Defending Mithun movies will take space larger than blogspot can afford.To say the least, if Gunda would have been made in French and called Le'Gundeh' it would have been recognised as a surrealistic masterpiece that it was.But his foray into sports,at least, must be seen in the proper perspective.Doesn't the current Indian cricket scene resemble the situation in Gunda?There is the head honcho Sharad Pawar(Kafan chor neta and Bulla rolled into one),Lalit Modi(Chutiya,his urge for vitamin sex can be seen in this now famous photograph),

Rajiv Shukla(Pote,self-confessedly not even loyal to his own father).After putting out of business their closest rival Dalmiya(Lambu Atta),they enjoy complete fiefdom over the cricket scene.Garib and majboor players(akin to poor mill workers/porters/airport coolies of gunda) were sold off to rich and powerful corporates and even to lowly film actors,mere naachne gaane waale unlike the great kalakaar that Mithun is."Enough" said Mithun."Do chaar chah aath dus bus".Off he went and brought a stake in the Kolkatta team of the rival ICL.Given the choice between a waxed-chest,cleavage displaying apparition called Shah Rukh Khan and the man who is called Mahaguru(the great teacher),who do you think Kolkatta people will choose?The end of Knight Riders and subsequently the IPL will be plotted shortly by Mithun-da.
Mithun's concern in Indian football is different.Football fans in India are more interested in Christiano Ronaldo,Drogba and Steven Gerrad than in our own homegrown heroes.This is what is deeply distressing.Why should we look at Theo Walcott,when we have Sunil Chetri?Why idolise Drogba,when our own Okerie is here.And horrors of horrors,there were talks of recruiting taller players for the Indian team so that we can play a more physical game.Whats wrong with our natural,one-touch-passing game that we play?One touch passes which end up at the opponents feet that is.Where else do you see a player tackling his own team-mate?Where else in this world such an exciting brand of the beautiful game played?And still Indian football is orphaned in its own country.It is this that Mithun will try to change.
One wishes Mahaguru all the success in his sporting endeavours.On his behalf,I will like to tell all his rivals and detractors..

"bhuji hui cigaratte kabhi jal nahi sakti,teri maut ki taarikh kabhi badal nahi sakti"

Recipe for a novel

2008-07-01T23:57:00.005+05:30

Eminent author Chetan Bhagat shares with us his recipe for the Indian English Novel.
1)Take a young Indian male .This guy is an absolute loser,has an abysmal opinion of himself and is down on his luck.These qualities are certain to extract sympathy and even pity from the readers.
2)Add two friends.One of these is a smart,good looking,popular boy.The other is an even bigger loser than the hero.These two characters are engaged in eternal conflict with the hero caught in between.But smartest boy has his way and the rest follow him.Along the way there will be misunderstandings but ultimately friendship will triumph.
3)Add a young Indian female ,hero's girlfriend.She is very pretty but doesnt have much brains.Also she is demure enough to keep her affair under wraps but bold enough to initiate sex with the boy.In short the typical "angel-in-the-kitchen,devil-in-the-bed" that every man fantasises about.The sex scene is there to redeem the hero in the eyes of the readers.
4)Add a middle-aged villain.He is personally interested in screwing the boy's life,and being in a position of authority is capable of doing so.
5)Put the hero and his gang in a soup of a situation,created by the villain.This may be bad marks in college,eminent firing from their jobs or just good old communal riots.After many trials and tribulations,good will ultimately triumph over evil and everyone will live happily ever after.

6)Serve under a cover that says"India's highest selling English author-N.Y times". Of course N.Y times website says"According to his publishers,Chetan Bhagat is the highest selling Indian selling author in English. "
Watch the editions disappear from the shelves!

Sarkar Raj

2008-06-08T19:38:00.002+05:30

The Bachchans: The new first family of Bollywood.Dad Amitabh was the undisputed superstar in the 70's and 80's;the most prolific actor in his second innings in the new millenium doing as many as 10 movies a year.Son Abhishek after giving 13 duds has given successful movies like GURU and the DHOOM series.He has not given a hit in quite some time and hence needs a relaunch.Daughter-in-law Aishwarya was an international beauty queen and a few makeovers later is one of the highest paid actress around.She has sent the glam-quotient of the family soaring upwards.Poor mom Jaya Bachchan cant keep up and is rarely seen in the public with the family instead spends timehobnobing with the likes of Amar Singh.The Bachchans have recently come under attack for not contributing to the progress of Maharashtra.
The Nagres:The first family in the power politics of Maharashtra.Father Subhash is the original man of honour,dispensing justice and running the state through the chief Minister.He has janta ka pyaar aur bharosa.Son Shankar is the heir managing most of the family's mysterious buisness.In the words of Abhishek Bachchan,"He is a futuristic man in the sense he thinks about the future."He is already more successful his Dad,or so his Dad claims.Both Dad and son have committed themselves to the progress of the Maharashtra.Mom Nagre stays in background making tea and purisfor the freak characters that come to the house.Enter Anita,an international enterprenauer,who wants to step out of her father's shadow with a power plant project(an obvious metaphor for the power struggles in the plot.)
In Sarkar Raj,the ironies and the parallels just dont stop coming.
The director: Ram Gopal Verma. Once known as a maverick director, he has reduced himself to his own parody.His legacy of movies like Satya,Rangeela,Company and Bhoot was destroyed by Shiva and RGV ki Aag.After Sarkar Raj he is finished.One suggests a five year holiday when RGV can still afford it.
The movie:Entirely shot in minimal colours with the camera at the RGV angles which can be:a) extreme close-ups of characters or b)the camera below glasstops,chairs,beds, giving the effect of a sting operation.All of which is supposed to hide the fact that the entire plot comprises solely of set-piece situations.First half-The father-son conflict.Dad Amitabh is against the power plant being made on land taken from the poor villagers.Son is all for taking hard decisionsfor development.Dad reposes his faith in son finally.Son goes about the easy job of convincing people to give up their lands.Then the bad guys blow up the carin which the pregnant wife Tanissha(yes, we were tortured with her close-ups as well) was travelling,which paves the way for Nagre junior to take revenge andfind love in Anita.At which point in second half Nagre junior is bumped off as well,in turn clearing the way for Nagre sr to take revenge and explain away allthe consistencies in the plot with some tarkash-ke-teer,shatranj-ki-bisaat type of dialogues.Every twist in the plot in the movie is predictable.One knows thatman-friday will turn up to be the mole and Gandhian mentor the mastermind of the carnage.There are only two good moments in the movie. First when Abhishek remorses for killing Bhaiyya in the previous edition and last when he stands upto a mob which calls hisfather a thief.Any review of Sarkar Raj will be incomplete without the mention of the three typical Ramu type villains.Sayaji Shinde(Bachu Yadav of Shool) plays a crooked politician who screams and jumps without any provocation.Giving him comapany is Govind Namdeo playing a power broker who spewseuphimisms by the dozen and when asked to explain just says "Aise hi kah diya".Sample these:-

Govind Namdeo:-"Shaadi se pehle hi pataakhe mat chodiye"
Aishwarya:-"Kya
matlab?"
Govind Namdeo:-"Aise hi kah diya"
Govind Namdeo:-"Yeh foreign
companies keel ki tarah hoti hain"Abhishek:-"Kahna kya chahte ho?"
Govind:-"Aise
hi kah diya"

And my favorite

Govind:-"Bina Ande ke Omlette nahi banta"Sayaji:-"Matlab Shankar Anda,Mumbai
omlette?"Govind;-"Aur hum masala."

But the freakiest bad guy is a Gujrati buisness called Vohra who keeps singing 70's hits under his breath all the time in the movie.The funniest scene in the movieis in which Vohra sings "Gapucchi Gapucchi gum gum" while threatning to bump off Abhishek.
A future project that brings together the Bachchans should be a Hindi remake of the run-away Bhojpuri hit "Sasura Bada Paisewala"

IPL--Bouquets and brickbats

2008-06-02T13:57:00.014+05:30

And the awards go to...

1) Mr-unpopular Movies हैं,tv shows हैं, इतनी सारी endorsments हैं,but Shah Rukh is not संतुष्ट.So what did Srk do? Srk went ahead and bought himself a cricket team and named it the Knight Riders(leaves little to the imagination does it..).Srk converted the Kolkatta matches into a virtual assembly of the rich and the famous inviting among others Arjun Rampal(basking in reflected spotlight),Karan Johar(waiting for Saurav to take off his shirt again,which he thankfully didnt) and Robert Vadra(dancing like a drunk uncle in a marraige).The Knight riders failed due to an impotent batting line-up lead by Sauarav Ganguly.Thankfully ICC reprimanded Srk for hanging out at the player's dugout and he didnt turn up for most of the later games,taking instead to sending long soulful sms-es to his players.Srk definitely managed to irritate most of the cricket lovers of the country which is well..most of the country.So Srk,we present you this award which is in the form of a pink stump and as you yourself say in OSO, "shove it up your...."
2) Destiny's child --Joginder sharma managing another victory in a tight finish,Gony turning a hero with the bat,rain coming at the right time against KKR,King's XI Punjab committing harakiri..Dhoni managed the great escape every time.Almost every time.Its a tribute to Dhoni's luck that it took Parthiv Patel (nicknamed P.P,which sounds like what little girls call a certain part of the male anatomy) and Laxmipathy Balajee(came out of cricketing wilderness with a कभी-रुक-कभी-चल run-up ) to defeat it.As Rajasthan Royals needed 6 runs off four balls,Balajee sprayed a wide,which butter-gloves Parthiv couldnt collect ,giving an extra bye.The rest ,as they say,was a mere formality.This is not-withstanding the fact that Dhoni scored over 400 runs in Ipl and remains an inspirational captain.So Dhoni gets this award which is a crystal ball.

3)The underdog who surprised No prizes for guessing this one.Rajasthan Royals proved every cricket analyst in the country wrong to win the trophy.The team was devoid of any big stars ,except Shane Warne and Greame Smith,and relied mainly on home-grown talent,like Asnodkar and Yusuf Pathan to bulldoze their way through to the top prize.Shane Warne contributed with the ball and at times with the bat,ask Andrew Symonds,but most importantly as leader .Really,the best Test captain the world never saw in action.

4)The wooden microphone award: Samir Kochhar,Shiv Pandit and Sonali Nagrath collectively bag this one for bringing to us Extraa Innings.Shiv Pandit became the first man on Indian television to wear mascara,eye liner and lip-gloss at the same time.When words failed him,he took to constipated facial expressions to get his point across.Samir Kocchar looked menacing but didnt scare away Rameej Raja,one useful thing he could have done.Sonali Nagrath looked out of sorts,once asking Asad Rauf ,the umpire which team he supported.Maybe she should try cheerleading next time.So you three,do Mahesh Bhatt movies,participate in singing reality shows or do whatever u want to, just dont come back next year.I will take Mandira noodle-strap Bedi any day over you.

5)Find of the league -- The nominees are Yusuf Pathan,Manpreet Gony and Shaun Marsh. And the Award goes to... Shaun Marsh. A rare Aussie who doesnt try to take the cover off the ball and still manages to score at fair pace. In a format as unpredictable as T20, Marsh scored 50s with amazing frequency.Won the orange cap in spite of playing less number of matches than his closest competitor,Gautam Gambhir.

6)The pompous-self-important-quote award"I had told you before,he is a better player than me."

Irfaan Pathan on Yusuf after the latter made it to the Indian team. Irfaan,as we all know is the true successor to Kapil Dev,and hence being better than him is........

7)The head-srcatching selection award -- A real close race between Sunil Joshi and Akash Chopra.Sunil Joshi played last of his ODIs sometime in 2001.Known as an allrounder in his prime he is now reduced to a insipid left arm spinner.But still the award goes to Akash Chopra.India's specialist Test opener whose primary objective used to be to take the shine off the new ball was signed on by KKR to open the innings and make full use of field restrictions.Needless to say he failed miserably.